 So, I'm barely home from my visit with Lexi in Oklahoma and I get a call from my uncle, who's a family physician in Holland. He's telling me that my dad's physical condition has worsened and that I better come as soon as possible, since he could have anywhere from a few days to a few months to live.
To give you some background information: My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 1/2 years earlier. At that time it had already spread to some of the bones. Because of the way his cancer developed, he hadn't had any symptoms until one day his kidneys shut down and he was rushed to the hospital. After days of tests, they found the cancer, but weren't aware how far it had progressed yet. Fortunately, my dad's kidneys started working fine again after a week or so, so we were quite relieved. The course of treatment that the doctor suggested was hormones (kind of funny considering my position). Over time my dad got Estrogen injections on a regular basis, and it seemed to keep the cancer relatively well in check.
After some time recovering, my dad went back to work at his business. He's never been the type of person to sit idle and have situations take control of his life. He's always been the person holding the reins, in control, without being controlling.
He had a few set-backs, mostly with his back, which he has had trouble with off and on for years. We always contributed it to his over extending himself physically or falling asleep on the couch in strange positions, but it could very well have been partly due to the cancer. We'll never know and it doesn't really matter anyway.
Well, we've all been pretty good at avoiding negative thoughts, and we always kept ignoring the seriousness of the situation. I'm not sure to what extent my mom and dad were aware of the severity, but I probably didn't get how bad it really was while talking to them over the phone. Not being physically there to witness it all does not give you all the information, whether spoken out loud or just imagined or worried about. Anyway, in all of my ignorance, my uncle's phone call came as a surprise.
So, a few days after I arrived home from Oklahoma, I was on a flight to Holland. I arrive early in the morning on Thursday, May 29, and after dropping my luggage off at my parents' house, my mom and I drove to the hospital. It was great to see my dad again. I hadn't seen him for about a year and a half when I went home for my grandmother's funeral.
My dad's breathing was laboured and he was unable to lay on his back comfortably due to the pain in his back and because he had been unable to get out of bed for a few weeks. Other than the occasional grimmace, he looked just as I remembered him: optimistic, smiling, comforting. Nevertheless, we all knew the inevitable was going to happen, sooner rather than later.
We spend the whole day at the hospital. Sitting at his bed side, while lots of family and friends came to visit. More so than visitors being supportive of my dad, my dad was supportive of them.
The next morning the nurse called from the hospital, telling my mom that my dad woke up in a panic. A few minutes later my dad called, wanting us to come. We called my sister to come as well and we headed up to the hospital. When we arrived, my dad had arranged for some wine glasses and my sister's partner had brought some bottles of wine for my dad a few days earlier. We started that morning by toasting and drinking a nice glass of wine.
For some reason, that day, many friends and family came to visit again, even though they had visited the day before. It was as if they all knew that they would not see him alive again. It was an exhausting day for my dad, but he didn't want to miss a second. By 9pm he fell asleep. Everyone had by then left, except my mom, my sister, her partner and myself. We decided to stay at the hospital overnight, at least my mom and I would. The nurses had brought in a cot for my mom to sleep on, and one of my dad's sisters would come back later to sit with my dad for a while while I would sleep on the couch in the lounge.
The next morning my dad was still asleep and continued sleeping. His breathing became more laboured than it already was and the nurses kept raising his morphine to ensure he would be as comfortable as possible. By then we knew he would not wake up. Nobody came to visit that day, as if everyone knew. We sat with him that day, until around 4:15pm local time, he blew his last breath.
One of the last things he said to me when we had a moment along, was, roughly translated "I hope you're going to fit better in your skin soon", referring to my transition plans. Even though I always knew he would be supportive of me and my choices, hearing those words from him meant a lot to me.
The following days were spent making arrangements for the funeral service and cremation. Again, lots of family members were around to help out and show their support. My dad has a large family, which has always been very close. Until the day of the funeral service, we didn't have time to think or worry or begin our grieving process. Or maybe we did, and being so busy and having so many people around only made it easier.
We visited my dad at the morgue every single evening, up until we went to pick him up for the funeral. Seeing him laying there, peaceful and with somewhat of a content smile helped also to accept his timely death. He was surrounded by many beautiful flowers, which probably made him smile also.
The funeral services as well as the wake the night before were incredibly busy. So many people came to pay their respects. In addition, my mom got so many condolence cards that it could have easily fit a shoebox.
After everything was done and over with, I stayed for another 2 weeks to keep my mom company. I'm sure it would be very hard for her to be home alone for the first little while. And honestly, I didn't think I could face getting back to work quite yet.
My boss was very accomodating to my extended leave. First taking time off to visit Lexi in Oklahoma, and immediatly after that, another 3 weeks in Holland. That only on 10 vacation days, without cutting my pay.
My dad has always set a good example for everyone who knew him. I've always admired him for his hard work, dedication, willingness to help out others, sense of pride and so many more great qualities that he had.
He has been, and still is, one of the most important people in my life.
I look up to him, admire him and one day hope to be much like him. To be as good a person as he was. To be there for people when they need a helping hand, a listening ear or some sound advice. I guess even if I won't quite get there, having those ideals as my goals will take me to a place where I can look at myself and be content with the path I've taken.
As my dad, I will never lose hope or determination. You have shown me, dad, that hard work pays off and that it doesn't have to be without enjoyment or fun.
Thanks dad, for being the best parent one can wish for.
And to finish this long-winded blog entry. I decided in those last few days of my dad's life that I will be taking his first name, Marinus, as my middle name. I told him, during those last 2 days with him, to which he smiled in response.
~Aaron
On Thursday May 15, after my work day was finished, I took a cab to the airport to go visit my girlfriend Lexi in Oklahoma. I hadn't seen her since newyear's, so I was really looking forward to this trip.
I don't mind traveling alone. It kind of forces you to relax, since there's not much else to do while your in a plane or waiting at the airport. Some people get totally stressed and rush all over the place. Not me.
I had to switch planes in Chicago, and I've heard horror stories about O'Hare. But fortunately the gates were fairly close together, and I was smart enough to print out a map of the airport before I left.
The connecting flight from Chicago to Oklahoma City was as uneventful as the previous one from Toronto to Chicago. Just relaxing.
When I arrived, it was fairly late in the evening, and the airport was totally dead. Hardly any people, except those with whom I shared the plane ride. I wouldn't realize how tiny this airport was until I left for home again, during daylight, 9 days later. Lexi picked me up and we drove to her appartment.
During my stay in Oklahoma, we didn't do too many touristy things. Just hung out, met some of her friends or went out for dinner or a movie. The last few days of my stay, Lexi would be moving into another appartment with a roommate, so we also had to get ready for that. Jenni, Lexi's roommate is the sweetest transwoman. I'm sure their living arrangements will work out great for both of them. Their appartment is really nice, and overlooks a nice little lake.
On one of the last few days, Lexi and I drove to Tulsa to visit her parents for dinner. I was a little anxious about meeting her parents, since they haven't completely come to terms with her being trans and I wasn't sure how they would react to me. But, they seemed like the nicest people, and were wonderful hosts. One of Lexi's sisters also joined us for dinner. I really enjoyed meeting her family, but we did have to hit the road fairly early, because it's a 2 hour drive back to Oklahoma City.
All in all, we had a wonderful 9 days. I would have liked to have stayed longer, but work was waiting in Toronto. So on Saturday, May 24, we had to say goodbye and I was on my way back home. I can't wait to see her again. Hopefully we won't have to wait too long, but unfortunately, vacation days are scarce.
For now, we will have to "live together" in Second Life. At least we have that. Until, hopefully, one day, we will be together in "Real Life".
Btw. Oklahoma is pretty cool. I'd like to visit again. ;-)
~Aaron
Well, here I am again. I've been quite negligent in updating my blog. It's easy to come up with a list of excuses, but really, the truth is, I've just been extremely overwhelmed with everything that has been going on over the last few months. I'll write a blog entry about the main events, but just to give you a short overview, here goes:
Mid May: went to visit Lexi in Oklahoma.
Late May: went to Holland to spend the last few days of his life with my dad. Stayed with my mom until end of June.
Mid June: my ex moved out and we are trying to figure out how to split our possessions.
Late June: started my physical transition.
Beginning of August: got my ass in gear to update my blog.
Read on to the next posts...
~Aaron
Just a really quick update... my doctor has approved me for hormone therapy, so this is actually going to start! Very exciting and frightening at the same time. But something I have to do for my own well-being. So, tentative starting date is May 28th, right after I come home from my trip to Oklahoma.
More to follow.....
Well, it's been a while since I posted last, and obviously a lot has happened since then. Some significant things, and lots of insignificant real life things. Anyway, I thought it was time for a quick update.
Well first off, I think 2008 will be a year of big developments. Over the last year I've really tackled my Gender Identity issues and thought long and hard on how to proceed. After a life long of pushing these feelings away and just living in a state of "in between", I have decided once and for all that transitioning is the only way for me to have a chance of being happy with myself. And also to finally get unstuck and move forward in life and to mature.
I have noticed that as time goes on, I get more anxious by the day. Feeling this pressure to come out at work. I'm not worried about my direct colleagues, just my boss. My work hasn't been so great over the last while, and I feel pretty down on myself about that. I just have such a hard time concentrating on anything. My mind wanders, and I feel always so exhausted and overwhelmed. Partly that may be a physical condition, since I was a bit low on B12, which I had looked at, but I think the biggest cause for my exhaustion is just some general depression, being so extremely hard on myself, plus dealing and moving forward on tackling my GID.
I have finally seen a doctor at Sherbourne Health Center, and we're just going through some regular checkups to get an idea of my general health..... ~ oops, dog wants to take me for a walk... brb ~ .....Anyway, so that's a good development. I'm at the edge of the pool, sticking my toes in to see how the water is. I'll eventually jump in, probably sooner rather than later, but I have to have my ducks in a row first. That's just how I work.
At home, things are going ok. The breakup with my girlfriend of 11 years, who has now officially become my best friend/room mate has been tough, but good. Good for both of us I think. We have always been best friends, and that's something we both want to maintain. After some struggles, she's started going out on dates, and I think she's really ready to move on with her life. All considered, she seems to be doing well. I am happy for her. I want her to be happy. She deserves that more than anyone.
What else? Well, lots of stuff going on in Second Life. People coming and going at the Transgender Resource Center. Some troubles with a few members (now ex members) that has caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. We're trying to move on and make the best of it. It's difficult though when people have been personally attacked. Hopefully things will calm down soon and we can all get along and work together again.
I've been trying my hand at some building in Second Life as well. With a background in construction and architecture, it seemed to be a nice fit for me. I have very high expectations however, which usually stops me before I've really begun, but I'm trying to give myself small little projects. We'll see how it turns out, but so far I've been pleased, and have been able to get some help from a few friends who are familiar with building in SL.
I still see Lexi in Second Life as often as I can... or more to the point, as often as she's able to. She's been really busy with her new job, her own transition, and being pretty wiped out at the end of the day. She's completely full-time now, out to her parents, work, friends etc. She's doing very well, and is very motivated to move ahead. I'm really proud of the progress she's made in such short time.
I love the friendships I've developed through Second Life. It's amazing how close you can become with people who are miles away through an online community such as this. It's great to have friends you can talk with, or even just have fun with and be silly.
One of these days I'll have to venture out into the Trans community here in Toronto. I'm really making this a priority... right after the load of work I have to do at home. I am working on a few websites, that I've been procrastinating on, and also a huge data analysis job that I do every year around this time for an acquaintance. But, I have to get out of the house sometime soon and show my face somewhere other than on the streetcar to work.
Anyway, that's it for now. If I continue writing, I won't have much to write about next time. I'll try and make this updates a little more frequent. I'm not much of a writer, or at least that's what I keep telling myself.
Ok, my dog's asking for my undivided attention now. She needs a cuddle or a toy to be thrown. Mmm I could use a cuddle too, I guess.
Cheers!
-Aaron
I don't even know why I read this things... maybe just to get a little bit of a confidence boost or something. I guess I treat them more like motivational speeches. Anyway, this one is very interesting as well, especially since I just started applying for a new job only a few days ago. Found this one on www.astrocenter.com.
Pisces:
Career matters may be undergoing some pretty heavy changes. You may be in the process of changing positions or jobs, or perhaps even pursuing an entirely new career. Financial matters may be a major factor in your making the change. You may be going through an inner transformation that makes you feel and appear more powerful, ANNEMARIE - which causes others to have even more confidence in you. Success is on the way - if you make the best possible use of your own talents.
I generally don't really read the horoscopes in the Toronto Star, but for some reason I did read this one and thought I'd share it on my blog. Does it mean anything? I don't know, but it is kind of interesting.
Pisces:
It's as if you are acquiring a new skill or mastering a new art. It may not seem like much, but many people cannot make such a transition successfully. You are gaining experience and getting smart. And you're moving ahead for the right reasons.
Well, what do you think?
-Aaron
After reading a few articles about Second Life (SL) in some Internet magazines and newspapers, I decided to give it a try. Who doesn't want to reinvent themselves; give yourself a make-over and meet some interesting people. I had no idea what to expect, but what did I have to lose, it's free to join, and you can keep the cost to a minimum if you really want to.
Anyway, my Rezzday (SL birthday) is May 8, 2007. This is the day I created my SL account. I can't really boast and say I got the whole thing right away. There are so many things you can do in SL and it all takes a little learning and getting used to. I'm still not very adapt at flying - LOL.
Anyway, soon after I joined, I did a search for anything transgender related and found the Transgender Resource Center (TRC). The TRC is a center created and run by another online persona, Jani Myriam. Basically, it's a lovely home, with a very comfortable living room, where anyone can come in and sit and chat. There's usually some people there. Some specific times are more busy than others, but if you walk in and nobody is there, you can page one of the volunteers who are associated with the TRC.
The TRC is an awesome place and I have made a number of great friends. Most visitors are Male to Female Trans people and/or crossdressers, but you do see the occasional Female to Male. All in all, some great people from all over the world and in different stages of transition visit the TRC.
For the Transgender Day of Remembrance, Random Demina, built a memorial for transgendered people who have committed suicide. It's an impressive structure that contains names of many suicide victims of the past years. Inside is a plaque with a very thoughtful text, written by Random. There's also space to place candles for new victims of suicide. At this moment, 3 candles have already been placed. Tragic. It's a great, quiet place to sit down and think. Think about your own life, the path you are taking or need to take, the difficulties that may lay ahead for you, and hopefully the light at the other end of it all. Hopefully everyone who visits this memorial will realize that being a name on a candle or plaque is not where they would like to end up.
Other than visiting the TRC and hanging out with other transgendered people and crossdressers or visiting the Suicide Memorial, there's so much more to do in SL. You can visit clubs where you can dance until the wee hours of the night. Often these clubs organize events where a live DJ will spin some tunes. It's so much fun, and you can do all of this from the comfort of your own home. There are also a great number of stores, where you can buy anything you can imagine; clothing, gadgets, hair styles, whatever. I'm not even going to attempt to tell you what else you can do in SL... there's just too much. But I'm sure anyone who joins will find something of interest.
I've found my place in SL, and that is with my sweetheart Random, at our home. We often visit the TRC, as well as Club Cristi, where we "hooked up" somewhat orchestrated by Gwen, its proprietor, and at Stray's, a club owned by Random and her friend Krista. We love to have fun, go out dancing, or just explore and meet new people. It's really hard to get bored in SL ;-).
I posted this on October 25, 2007 on my Facebook page
Wow, a lot has happened over the last few months. Let me fill you all in and hope this post won't be too long ;~).
First I wanted to become more comfortable about this gender identity issue. Pushing it away and denying myself all these years didn't really help in this department. So as shy and uncomfortable as I was, I signed up for the Gender Journeys program and the Sherbourne Health Centre. It was one of the best things I could have done during this time. I met a number of great people who were struggling with more or less the same issues as I was. I didn't learn too many new things, but just to overcome my own discomfort was the best outcome I could have expected. I highly recommend the Gender Journeys program (http://www.sherbourne.on.ca/programs/programs.html).
While participating in this program I started thinking about coming out to my parents and started formulating a letter to them. My family lives in the Netherlands, since I immigrated to Canada in the mid 1990's. That was one of the reasons why I chose to come out in a letter, rather than in person. I don't really like the phone to communicate such personal things.
Anyway, I did send the letter to my parents. I wanted to come out to them first before anyone else. I thought that I'd own them at least that. So about a week after I had emailed the letter, I get a phone call from my mom. She had just checked her email and read the letter. My dad was sitting in the background still reading the letter. They were both quite emotional about the revelation, but told me that no matter what, I am their child and they would support me and accept me. I had been quite nervous about coming out to my parents, not necessarily because I was afraid that they would disown me, but more being afraid that they would not take me serious and try to talk me "out of it". They didn't. I actually couldn't have wanted a better reaction from them.
Oh, I missed something here... I had tried to write the letter to my parents in Dutch but found that I was unable to express myself in my native language as well as I could in English. My parents don't really speak much English, so sending it to them as is, would be very confusing to them and thus not an option. So, I wrote a couple of friends a similar letter to come out to them, AND to ask them if they would mind helping me translate the letter to my folks. One of my friends was quite surprised, while the other wasn't at all. Anyway, they were quite supportive as well, and were more than happy to help me with my letter to my parents.
Alright, so my parents now know. Who's next on my list? Well, my girlfriend's parents... I had adjusted the letter I had sent to my parents, since it covered pretty much everything I wanted to say. It had been sitting on my hard drive for a few weeks until the time was right to send it off. My GF and I planned to send it one certain weekend, but some family issues (read argument) got in the way. My GF's parents were dealing with too much stress already for me to dump this bombshell on them as well, so we opted to wait a little longer. A few weeks later, after they had come back from a vacation, it finally was time. My GF had hidden 2 copies of the letter in her parents house, and a day or so later, when she was speaking to her mom on the phone, and knew that her dad was right there as well, she told her mom that there was a letter from me hidden in the dining room sideboard. They read the letter and called back. I was at work, so they only spoke to my GF at that time. But in short, they were very supportive, didn't look at me differently and understood the issues that this was causing in my relationship with my GF. I'm very glad that they took it so well, even though I know that their first priority is their own daughter. I am very close to them, and really wanted/need their support. It means a lot to me.
Just before we were going to tell my GF's parents, and we didn't know about the argument yet, my GF was talking to her youngest sister and just couldn't hold it in. She told her that she was going to email her a letter from me and that she should read it. I wasn't home at that time, but by the time I came home and got a heads-up from my GF her sister was on the phone. She was happy for me to be able to finally deal with this issue and she was very understanding. Am I just the luckiest people with the nicest families anyone could hope for? I think so!
Then the day after coming out to my GF's parents, my GF couldn't take the stress of not telling her remaining 2 sisters. So, she called them and told them to look for an email from me. After they had read it, they phoned and expressed their support and acceptance as well. Holy smokes, how many is that now? 2 friends, my parents (2), my GF's parents (2), my GF's sisters (3), wow, 9 out of 9 positive reactions.
Then this past weekend I wanted to tell a dear friend who was scheduled to come over to do some work on her website. So, I once again adjusted the letter to make it a general letter I could give to friends. When we all got comfortable and settled in, I gave her the letter that I had printed. She hadn't even finished the first page, when she commented that she had never felt much of a feminine vibe from me. Since this was more of a face to face coming out then with my or my GF's families, it was much more emotional, personal and real. Since I had been coming out and talking about my gender identity issues more openly in therapy and with my girlfriend I was quite comfortable answering any questions my friend had.
So all in all, 10 out of 10! I can't be more happy about this, but I still have a way to go. Work, my boss, colleagues, ugh! Stress and frustration. I really have to take my time to prepare for this. But, I've made a good start and I'm not going back.
Medically, I'm on a waiting list for a doctor at the Sherbourne Health Centre, but have also asked my trusted GP, if she would be able and comfortable taking care of me during transition. I'm just waiting for her answer, but this may take a little while, since she is doing some research about it at the moment. My psychiatrist who has never dealt with issues such as this before is doing very well and learning along with me as we go. She referred me to the Gender Clinic at CAMH, where I went for an interview. I just received their report this past week, which states that I do show all "symptoms"of gender identity dysphoria, and that "treatment" could be helpful, but that it's up to me to decide how to proceed.
Hmmm this post turned out way longer than I expected. However, I wanted to cover it all. If you've made it this far reading this rediculously long post, all I can say is "get a life" <grin>. But really, thanks for your interest. It really means a lot to me that you are willing to spend your precious time to learn more about me.
Big smile,
Aaron
I posted this little blurb on my Facebook page on May 14, 2007
I've committed myself just recently to start dealing with my gender identity disorder and to no longer push it to the back of my mind and ignore it. I've been wasting enough precious years trying that, and it hasn't helped a bit. Obviously it's not a solution to this problem.
Wish me luck on my journey to rediscover myself and to finally give the male inside of me some breathing room.
Thanks for reading,
Aaron
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